What is waiting for us when we die?
It isn’t hell, for sure. The only hell that exists is the one we put ourselves through.
When I was 23 I had a profound near-death experience. I was very ill from a wisdom tooth extraction. In and out of the hospital to get a septic infection under control with no success, the Dr. decided to operate. I was too sick to be put under a general anesthetic so they gave me a local anesthetic through a long needle down my throat; shots that had no effect. When they started cutting into me I felt everything and then I was out.
I felt my consciousness leaving my body, detaching first from my feet and then creeping upwards. When I arrived at my head, I flew out like a bird taking flight. I was no longer aware of pain. My body was left behind and “I” was pure consciousness. Up and away I went. First to the ceiling of the operating room as I watched the doctors and nurses grasp the situation and begin resuscitation protocol. But I was truly out of there, down the tunnel of light I flew, greeted by loved ones and spiritual teachers from this lifetime and beyond. When I finally came to a stop it was in front of a being so great, so brilliant, so filled with love that I was stunned into submission….submission to LOVE.
There was no turning back for me. To heck with the body lying on the operating table. Who cares about the life of a 23-year-old? I wanted to be immersed in this LOVE forever. The being spoke to me telepathically. We went through a thorough life review and it was amazing to me that in my short lifetime I became aware of the many amends I had to undertake. I understood that I had so much more to do. I was shown the spiritual trajectory of my life. Not the day to day details, but the stages and attainment that would occur for the body on the table. All of this was in the context of true light and love. It sounds so trite; there are no words to describe the immensity of the experience.
When I was told I had to go back I flat out refused. Begging and pleading to stay in the heart of the divine, I metaphorically crossed my arms and threw a tantrum, yes a full-blown tantrum like a two-year-old. Of course, the option to stay was not offered. I was turned around, it felt like someone put their hands on my shoulders, turned me away from the light and pushed me back through the light tunnel. I was powerless and pissed.
I returned to horrible pain and the sweat from my doctor’s brow falling on my face. He was an inch away from my head, listening for my breath, waiting anxiously for my return. When I opened my eyes he cried. Now the sweat mixed with tears dripped onto my face. He was relieved and I wasn’t!
It took me 10 years to get over being mad that I had to leave the ecstasy of that experience. Until I had my first child there was nothing that compared with the love of the divine. Throughout my pregnancy, the birth of my children, and the years they spent with me growing up, and still to this day, the love I felt during that near-death experience pours through me to them. Now they carry that love for their children, my grandchildren. The reservoir is never empty. They were the willing recipients of the overwhelming love that poured through me, and for this I am grateful.
What do I do with the abundance of love I feel for all beings? I learned early on that we are held in the infinite universal love that is fully evident beyond the material plane. Death had rejected me and I was bereft for a very long time. Now I know it was I who turned away from death in order to fulfill the promise I made to contribute to the love on the planet. I also know that love never dies, we just call it death.
As Mother’s Day approaches I feel respect for all mother’s, grandmothers, elders, and Mother Earth. The capacity of women to embody divine love and turn it into the daily practice of nurturing the future, for all of us, takes my breath away. To all women out there, please hear me. You are the embodiment of the divine, you are the wisdom of the ages, you are the light of the stars above. You are the holy ones who walk this earth.